[This is from June 2016 - I'm late posting it but it's all still relevant!]
[I know I haven’t blogged for a while – in fact
this has been taking shape on and off for a few weeks, but I’m trying to
include both challenges and best bits so will post it when I find some balance!
I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately so please excuse me for writing a long one
… even if you don’t read to the end it’s helped me to write it … however if you
do get to the end comments would be welcome!]
When I
adopted my daughter, I did it on my own – I knew from the outset that I would
be a single parent, unlike others who may have started their parenting journey in
a couple and found themselves doing it alone later. It was not a surprise to me
so you would think I’d have been mentally prepared!
Added to
that is my family situation – I am an only child with only one parent still
living – therefore my daughter has no aunts or uncles and only one grandparent
(who doesn’t live locally and doesn’t drive). But hey, I have a great support network!
My work colleagues, my friends, my church family … so I’m not on my own, right?
Well, kind
of. Yes, as someone pointed out to me recently, I have lots of good friends.
But I’m not in the position of having a partner living under the same roof, or
family members living close enough that they will drop everything or reorganise
their life to help out their offspring. Most (if not all) of my friends with
children are in a couple, and have their own parents (one or both sets) living
close by. Don’t get me wrong, I do have a handful of great friends who do what
they can, but it isn’t the same.
I think the
hardest thing is the day to day relentlessness – from the second my girlie wakes
up until the moment she finally goes to sleep there is no let up and nobody
else to give me a break from any of it. When she is in preschool I am at work.
When she is in bed I am catching up on work first, then the house, then everything
else. Some things can be done in the daytime, but of course she is my priority.
When she is calm and happy (and I am too!) our family is content … when she is
struggling to regulate and testing all boundaries, my ability to be a calm,
consistent and therapeutic parent is sorely tested.
·
First the
challenges :-
SLEEP – I
miss sleeping for 7/8 hours uninterrupted! (And I really miss lie-ins!) And
being sleep-deprived is really not good for my emotional well-being or my mood
– everything seems so much more overwhelming when I’m worn out. I know that I
never experienced those nights with a baby when you are woken up every few
hours or doing night feeds or dealing with teething, but it’s still a massive
challenge for us, every single night. My girlie actually slept brilliantly for
the first month or 2 after she moved in, but then as she became more secure and
relaxed it got worse. I think it was as our bond developed that she found it
harder to handle the separation, and it was therefore harder for her to settle.
Without giving too much of her story away, I knew that night-times had often
been scary times for her – the dark, the noise (or silence), the being on her
own. I can understand where the fear and anxiety comes from, but that doesn’t
always make it easier to deal with, certainly not calmly when she is out of her
bed, again. Each night still has varying degrees of this even 2 years on – the
struggle to settle and be calm, the organising and re-organising of her toys
and teddies first, the anxiety if her door isn’t open slightly or there is no light,
the need to have me close until she’s asleep (- usually upstairs in my own
bedroom is enough but it does restrict and dictate my evening somewhat). Once
she is asleep I generally get a couple of hours to myself (often involving work)
before I go to bed. However, every night I will be woken at some point in the
early hours, sometimes by a scream and loud footsteps running along the
landing, sometimes just by her climbing quietly into bed next to me. But every
night she ends up sleeping in my bed, something which I have never discouraged despite
people suggesting I should. The thing is, when it started she would climb into
my bed and onto my tummy and curl up in the foetal position, so clearly she needed
that closeness. She’s too big to stay on my tummy for long now – a quick cuddle
is usually enough, then she curls up next to me and we both go back to sleep.
We have rules around Mummy needing her sleep and she seems to understand this –
I know it won’t be forever, and I’ll probably miss my midnight visitor one day.
But I look forward to being able to sleep uninterrupted. (And perhaps one day I
might manage another lie-in!!)
EVENINGS - I
knew evenings would be restricted and spent at home of course, but then I
wasn’t one for going out much anyway. But I can’t nip to the shop if I run out
of milk or bread. I can’t go out for a quick jog / walk if I feel like it. I
can’t be involved in a regular gym class, club, church meeting etc. It’s
possible for me to have the occasional evening out for a special occasion,
someone’s birthday etc. if I have enough notice to find a babysitter, but it
still takes some organising, particularly if it’s at a weekend. I do have a
handful of babysitters I can call on who are happy to come over and watch TV in
my house rather than theirs, but naturally they have their own lives. Agreeing
to do something in the day, such as a hen day, sports event, etc. is more
problematic – not so many daytime sitters available or willing to take on the
responsibility for entertaining my lively little one for a few hours. Girlie
weekend away? Forget it!
MEALS – I’m
not the greatest or most creative cook, but I’m very conscious of being as
healthy as I can so will try to cook every night. Nothing too complicated –
pasta, roast, casserole etc. – and yes pizza and chicken nuggets too! I try to
make sure that fast food / takeaways / eating out are rare, as much for the
finances as for our health! But there are some nights where I have just run out
of ideas or don’t have the motivation, and it would just be nice for someone
else to do it.
HOUSEWORK –
I know this isn’t the be-all and end-all, and believe me I only do the bare
minimum. My girlie is able to play by herself at home to a certain extent, so
on the days I’m not working I can manage things like the washing, dishwasher, occasional
hoovering and general tidying up … and it’s good for her to learn to entertain
herself, right? People tell me the state of the house isn’t important and I
agree to some extent, but sometimes for my own well-being I need it to be under
control – I can’t just relax surrounded by mess. As for admin, I rarely attempt
things that require concentration like internet banking, making a phone call,
sending an email, dealing with post etc. in the daytime.
“MEN’S” JOBS
– putting out the rubbish, cutting the grass, cleaning the car, putting up
shelves etc. Not that I really believe in men’s or women’s jobs – I’m a strong
independent single woman and will attempt most things myself (- some friends
call me the flatpack queen!). But it’s finding the time to do these things and
sometimes it would just be nice to not have to do, or to not have to ask! Then
there’s the unexpected hassles to sort out – the leaking washing machine, the
flat tyre, the smashed phone screen!
WORK DAYS –
I knew it would be tricky juggling work and preschool / childcare, and I’m
grateful that my work colleagues have been very supportive as I now arrive
later and leave earlier than I did before, doing more of my work at home in the
evenings – this can take over my evenings but at least I can now leave at 4:00
every day. I’m also grateful to the friends who have helped with childcare
before/after preschool pretty much every single day I’ve been at work for the
last year or so – an hour or so in the morning after I drop her off and about 2
hours in the afternoon before I pick her up – I could not have gone back to
work without this regular commitment from them. Thankfully my little one is
fairly healthy and hasn’t needed much time off due to illness – just as well
because if she’s off then I have to be.
“FAMILY TIME”
– our family unit consists of the 2 of us, which brings about both benefits and
struggles. Because other families need their family time too, and so I don’t
expect to be invited to what others are doing. But I can’t always motivate
myself to plan an exciting day out when I have to work out all the logistics (-
venue, route, parking, timings, costs, clothes, food etc.) … sometimes it’s
just easier to keep it simple or stay home! At my church we talk a lot about
being a family, but in reality it sometimes feels as if the support network who
joined in the stress and excitement of the adoption process are now just
getting on with their own lives and the invitations are slowly drying up. I’m
not one for just turning up uninvited, so people need to realise that telling
me we are part of the family doesn’t make me feel part of the family unless we
actually spend time together.
·
How could
other people help?
I admit that
I’m fiercely independent and not very good at asking for or accepting help! But
I would say to people who have friends who are single parents, who want to
help, just ask what would make life easier? Or suggest / insist on something –
there is so much more than babysitting. And there is a saying that “it takes a
village to raise a child” – so be part of that village, and above all be
inclusive …
·
Evenings … Babysitting,
not just when asked for a special occasion but just for an hour so they can go
for a run / pop to a friend’s house / mooch around the shops. Maybe you could
just pop round one evening and offer to keep them company, even if all you’re
doing is watching TV together. Or take the evening social life to them –
suggest a get together at their house, but offer to organise the snacks / drink
/ entertainment so it doesn’t just become another pressure.
·
Meals … Invite
them round for tea or Sunday lunch. (Don’t just say “we must have you over”,
actually do it! But realise that if there’s lots of you it may not be easy to
return the invite.). Or turn up with a pre-cooked meal, as you might for a
family when a new baby arrives.
·
Housework /
Jobs … Offer to do the ironing / cut the grass etc. Get a couple of handy
people together to work on the odd jobs that will be mounting up!
·
Family time
… Be inclusive. (Again, don’t just say “we must have you over”, actually do
it!) Invite them round just to hang out, particularly if you also have children
- it doesn’t have to be anything out of the ordinary, just time spent with
other people somewhere else. Or include them in an outing you’re planning, so
they don’t have to plan all those details alone.
·
Sleep … I
left this til last because this is a really tricky one, especially if bedtimes
are an issue. Maybe ask what they think might help, but accept they may not
know if anything will! Mind you, if other things are taken care of then the
sleep (or lack of it) doesn’t seem so bad!
Above all,
provide emotional support and a listening ear, particularly if your single
friend has additional challenges brought about by family circumstances, special
needs or adoption. (I wouldn’t comment or give advice on pregnancy or
childbirth … please remember that adoption has its own challenges and they
don’t always end once the adoption process is complete.) Don’t assume that you
know what it’s like unless you live in that same family or household with those
same challenges 24/7. Don’t tell them that “all children do that” or “it’s the
same for a couple” or “you need to do it this way”. Yes, parenting is
challenging for everyone … but try to appreciate the added relentlessness and
isolation that comes with doing it alone.
·
Finally, the
best bits! (Thanks to a few of my Twitter
followers for their help with these!)
Sometimes it
can be nice to make all the decisions. To not have any conflict or disagreement
in parenting styles (or anything else). To not have your child playing you off
against each other.
Sometimes it
can feel amazing to be the one person they run to for a cuddle or comfort.
Especially when it is at night and you have that much-needed space in your bed!
Sometimes it
can be so special to share those moments, just you and your child/ren, those little
things that only you know about. The lows are just yours but the highs are too!
[So you made
it to the end – thank you for taking the time to read it! Comments always
welcome :)]
