We. Are. TEAM STARFISH!!!
We are a mother daughter duo, fighting trauma and
trying to outwit isolation.
We are a team, but I know we are not equals. I know
I am the parent and she is the child, I have to give to her what I can’t always
expect to get back. I’m fortunate that when the trauma shows itself it is
rarely aimed at me – I know for others it can be so different.
This is the most important relationship for both of
us. ‘Us’ has to come first.
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Rewind to May/June, which have been pretty shit to
be honest, and I’ve been really struggling. (As in crying in bed most nights
and sometimes at work in the day, struggling.) Friends moving away, the death
of a friend after a long battle against illness, dealing with negative crap and
pressure at work, among other things. Trying to connect with / hang out with
people and wondering why I’m not getting much back. Trying to ask for support
when I need it but getting unhelpful comments instead. Nothing deliberately
hurtful, but it’s all been building up in my head. My LO has been getting the
worst of me and I have been feeling resentful of her.
But she has also been struggling. Transitions to a
new class / teacher at school. Staff leaving that she’s close to. Questions
about when she was a baby. Letterbox to birth family. Fear of people dying /
changing. Missing people she’s never even met. Trying to make sense of a lot of
jigsaw pieces in her head. Holding it all in all day (- “she’s coping fine”)
then it comes out on the way home or at bedtime through uncontrollable and
inconsolable sobbing.
I could see the struggle in both of us, but I
couldn’t seem to stop the downward spiral. My gloomy mood has not been helping
her feel safe and secure and settled. She deserves so much more. She deserves
the very best not the worst of me. She needs it. No matter what. She is so much
more important than any of the other people or responsibilities in my life. She
needs me to be constant and predictable. And I really haven’t been lately. She
needs to know that she can rely on me. And that I’m not going anywhere.
Our support network is of course key. We have no
family nearby and we rely on our friends. I don’t expect people to completely
understand our life or experiences but it’s nice when they try. I feel hurt and
frustrated when it feels like the support we need is distant or inconsistent.
Our support network has changed in the last 3 years, some of the people we began
this journey with are not the people walking with us now. It will probably
continue to change and I have to learn to live with that. But I am the one who will
always be there for her – I can’t and won’t change.
Social media has been a big one for us too, the
best and worst of the support we do / don’t have at times. Recently I have
become irritated by the contrast between ‘perfect’ lives on Facebook versus ‘real’
lives (warts and all) on Twitter. I’ve felt invisible at times, trying not to
believe that people who don’t seem to have time for us clearly have time for
everyone else. Trying not to take it personally when my texts aren’t replied to
or we’re left out, again. So at my lowest time recently I decided I needed to
delete most social media apps from my phone, just for a while, while I get my
head together.
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Fast-forward to the first week in July and I’m
beginning to feel better. In a more peaceful place of acceptance – this is our
life, our reality and it’s up to us to make the best of it. And since I’ve
focussed more on her and put ‘us’ back at the centre, she has seemed calmer and
more relaxed too. Teamwork!
Summer holidays are looming now – I know this can
bring it’s own challenges, but fortunately for us childcare isn’t one of them (–
about the only thing keeping me in teaching right now!) So the summer is definitely
an opportunity for quality time together, and I'm looking forward to it. Team building!!
So it’s TEAM STARFISH first from now on (with a bit
of self-care thrown in where I can), even if it’s us against the world
sometimes. If we need to step back / shut down for a bit for our own sanity and
survival we will.
TEAM STARFISH isn’t perfect. It’s flawed. It doesn’t
always win.
But together we are strong.
Together we can be superheroes!!
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