Singled Out ... what nobody told me about being a single adoptive parent! (18/6/16)

[This is from June 2016 - I'm late posting it but it's all still relevant!]

[I know I haven’t blogged for a while – in fact this has been taking shape on and off for a few weeks, but I’m trying to include both challenges and best bits so will post it when I find some balance! I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately so please excuse me for writing a long one … even if you don’t read to the end it’s helped me to write it … however if you do get to the end comments would be welcome!]

When I adopted my daughter, I did it on my own – I knew from the outset that I would be a single parent, unlike others who may have started their parenting journey in a couple and found themselves doing it alone later. It was not a surprise to me so you would think I’d have been mentally prepared!

Added to that is my family situation – I am an only child with only one parent still living – therefore my daughter has no aunts or uncles and only one grandparent (who doesn’t live locally and doesn’t drive). But hey, I have a great support network! My work colleagues, my friends, my church family … so I’m not on my own, right?

Well, kind of. Yes, as someone pointed out to me recently, I have lots of good friends. But I’m not in the position of having a partner living under the same roof, or family members living close enough that they will drop everything or reorganise their life to help out their offspring. Most (if not all) of my friends with children are in a couple, and have their own parents (one or both sets) living close by. Don’t get me wrong, I do have a handful of great friends who do what they can, but it isn’t the same.

I think the hardest thing is the day to day relentlessness – from the second my girlie wakes up until the moment she finally goes to sleep there is no let up and nobody else to give me a break from any of it. When she is in preschool I am at work. When she is in bed I am catching up on work first, then the house, then everything else. Some things can be done in the daytime, but of course she is my priority. When she is calm and happy (and I am too!) our family is content … when she is struggling to regulate and testing all boundaries, my ability to be a calm, consistent and therapeutic parent is sorely tested.

·         First the challenges :-

SLEEP – I miss sleeping for 7/8 hours uninterrupted! (And I really miss lie-ins!) And being sleep-deprived is really not good for my emotional well-being or my mood – everything seems so much more overwhelming when I’m worn out. I know that I never experienced those nights with a baby when you are woken up every few hours or doing night feeds or dealing with teething, but it’s still a massive challenge for us, every single night. My girlie actually slept brilliantly for the first month or 2 after she moved in, but then as she became more secure and relaxed it got worse. I think it was as our bond developed that she found it harder to handle the separation, and it was therefore harder for her to settle. Without giving too much of her story away, I knew that night-times had often been scary times for her – the dark, the noise (or silence), the being on her own. I can understand where the fear and anxiety comes from, but that doesn’t always make it easier to deal with, certainly not calmly when she is out of her bed, again. Each night still has varying degrees of this even 2 years on – the struggle to settle and be calm, the organising and re-organising of her toys and teddies first, the anxiety if her door isn’t open slightly or there is no light, the need to have me close until she’s asleep (- usually upstairs in my own bedroom is enough but it does restrict and dictate my evening somewhat). Once she is asleep I generally get a couple of hours to myself (often involving work) before I go to bed. However, every night I will be woken at some point in the early hours, sometimes by a scream and loud footsteps running along the landing, sometimes just by her climbing quietly into bed next to me. But every night she ends up sleeping in my bed, something which I have never discouraged despite people suggesting I should. The thing is, when it started she would climb into my bed and onto my tummy and curl up in the foetal position, so clearly she needed that closeness. She’s too big to stay on my tummy for long now – a quick cuddle is usually enough, then she curls up next to me and we both go back to sleep. We have rules around Mummy needing her sleep and she seems to understand this – I know it won’t be forever, and I’ll probably miss my midnight visitor one day. But I look forward to being able to sleep uninterrupted. (And perhaps one day I might manage another lie-in!!)

EVENINGS - I knew evenings would be restricted and spent at home of course, but then I wasn’t one for going out much anyway. But I can’t nip to the shop if I run out of milk or bread. I can’t go out for a quick jog / walk if I feel like it. I can’t be involved in a regular gym class, club, church meeting etc. It’s possible for me to have the occasional evening out for a special occasion, someone’s birthday etc. if I have enough notice to find a babysitter, but it still takes some organising, particularly if it’s at a weekend. I do have a handful of babysitters I can call on who are happy to come over and watch TV in my house rather than theirs, but naturally they have their own lives. Agreeing to do something in the day, such as a hen day, sports event, etc. is more problematic – not so many daytime sitters available or willing to take on the responsibility for entertaining my lively little one for a few hours. Girlie weekend away? Forget it!

MEALS – I’m not the greatest or most creative cook, but I’m very conscious of being as healthy as I can so will try to cook every night. Nothing too complicated – pasta, roast, casserole etc. – and yes pizza and chicken nuggets too! I try to make sure that fast food / takeaways / eating out are rare, as much for the finances as for our health! But there are some nights where I have just run out of ideas or don’t have the motivation, and it would just be nice for someone else to do it.

HOUSEWORK – I know this isn’t the be-all and end-all, and believe me I only do the bare minimum. My girlie is able to play by herself at home to a certain extent, so on the days I’m not working I can manage things like the washing, dishwasher, occasional hoovering and general tidying up … and it’s good for her to learn to entertain herself, right? People tell me the state of the house isn’t important and I agree to some extent, but sometimes for my own well-being I need it to be under control – I can’t just relax surrounded by mess. As for admin, I rarely attempt things that require concentration like internet banking, making a phone call, sending an email, dealing with post etc. in the daytime.

“MEN’S” JOBS – putting out the rubbish, cutting the grass, cleaning the car, putting up shelves etc. Not that I really believe in men’s or women’s jobs – I’m a strong independent single woman and will attempt most things myself (- some friends call me the flatpack queen!). But it’s finding the time to do these things and sometimes it would just be nice to not have to do, or to not have to ask! Then there’s the unexpected hassles to sort out – the leaking washing machine, the flat tyre, the smashed phone screen!

WORK DAYS – I knew it would be tricky juggling work and preschool / childcare, and I’m grateful that my work colleagues have been very supportive as I now arrive later and leave earlier than I did before, doing more of my work at home in the evenings – this can take over my evenings but at least I can now leave at 4:00 every day. I’m also grateful to the friends who have helped with childcare before/after preschool pretty much every single day I’ve been at work for the last year or so – an hour or so in the morning after I drop her off and about 2 hours in the afternoon before I pick her up – I could not have gone back to work without this regular commitment from them. Thankfully my little one is fairly healthy and hasn’t needed much time off due to illness – just as well because if she’s off then I have to be.

“FAMILY TIME” – our family unit consists of the 2 of us, which brings about both benefits and struggles. Because other families need their family time too, and so I don’t expect to be invited to what others are doing. But I can’t always motivate myself to plan an exciting day out when I have to work out all the logistics (- venue, route, parking, timings, costs, clothes, food etc.) … sometimes it’s just easier to keep it simple or stay home! At my church we talk a lot about being a family, but in reality it sometimes feels as if the support network who joined in the stress and excitement of the adoption process are now just getting on with their own lives and the invitations are slowly drying up. I’m not one for just turning up uninvited, so people need to realise that telling me we are part of the family doesn’t make me feel part of the family unless we actually spend time together.

·         How could other people help?

I admit that I’m fiercely independent and not very good at asking for or accepting help! But I would say to people who have friends who are single parents, who want to help, just ask what would make life easier? Or suggest / insist on something – there is so much more than babysitting. And there is a saying that “it takes a village to raise a child” – so be part of that village, and above all be inclusive …

·         Evenings … Babysitting, not just when asked for a special occasion but just for an hour so they can go for a run / pop to a friend’s house / mooch around the shops. Maybe you could just pop round one evening and offer to keep them company, even if all you’re doing is watching TV together. Or take the evening social life to them – suggest a get together at their house, but offer to organise the snacks / drink / entertainment so it doesn’t just become another pressure.

·         Meals … Invite them round for tea or Sunday lunch. (Don’t just say “we must have you over”, actually do it! But realise that if there’s lots of you it may not be easy to return the invite.). Or turn up with a pre-cooked meal, as you might for a family when a new baby arrives.

·         Housework / Jobs … Offer to do the ironing / cut the grass etc. Get a couple of handy people together to work on the odd jobs that will be mounting up!

·         Family time … Be inclusive. (Again, don’t just say “we must have you over”, actually do it!) Invite them round just to hang out, particularly if you also have children - it doesn’t have to be anything out of the ordinary, just time spent with other people somewhere else. Or include them in an outing you’re planning, so they don’t have to plan all those details alone.

·         Sleep … I left this til last because this is a really tricky one, especially if bedtimes are an issue. Maybe ask what they think might help, but accept they may not know if anything will! Mind you, if other things are taken care of then the sleep (or lack of it) doesn’t seem so bad!

Above all, provide emotional support and a listening ear, particularly if your single friend has additional challenges brought about by family circumstances, special needs or adoption. (I wouldn’t comment or give advice on pregnancy or childbirth … please remember that adoption has its own challenges and they don’t always end once the adoption process is complete.) Don’t assume that you know what it’s like unless you live in that same family or household with those same challenges 24/7. Don’t tell them that “all children do that” or “it’s the same for a couple” or “you need to do it this way”. Yes, parenting is challenging for everyone … but try to appreciate the added relentlessness and isolation that comes with doing it alone.

·         Finally, the best bits! (Thanks to a few of my Twitter followers for their help with these!)

Sometimes it can be nice to make all the decisions. To not have any conflict or disagreement in parenting styles (or anything else). To not have your child playing you off against each other.

Sometimes it can feel amazing to be the one person they run to for a cuddle or comfort. Especially when it is at night and you have that much-needed space in your bed!

Sometimes it can be so special to share those moments, just you and your child/ren, those little things that only you know about. The lows are just yours but the highs are too!

[So you made it to the end – thank you for taking the time to read it! Comments always welcome :)]