Dear church family … (16/4/17)

Dear church family …

First let me say, I love you all dearly. I know I'm loved and supported too. 
I know when I feel hurt it isn't meant. 

I believe in the vision of our church. We do so many great things together. People who visit us say they feel so welcome and love the family atmosphere. I’ve been part of this family a long time and we’ve supported each other through good and bad times.

But my life is different now. And there are things I need you to see. To know. To understand.

I’m a single parent. By choice, because I decided as a single person to adopt.

I’m the only adopter in our church. I’m the only single parent in our church. I know we’re all learning.

I won’t feel sorry for myself, or use my situation as an excuse - I won’t play the “I can’t because I’m on my own” card. Except sometimes I can’t. Because I’m on my own.

[Unhelpful comment #1 : “you chose to be a single parent”]

[Unhelpful comment #2 : “I told you doing it on your own would be hard”]

3 things I need you to know :-

1)      It’s not the same.

Parenting a child on your own is not the same as parenting as a couple.

Parenting a child by adoption is not the same as parenting a child you’ve given birth to.

I’m not saying either is more difficult, but they are different.

5 struggles I face as a single parent :-

- Having to think of everything. Remember everything. Plan everything. It’s exhausting.
- Having to do everything. Every meal. Every bit of shopping or washing. Every crappy job. Every day.
- Not getting a break. (Being at work doesn’t count!) A few minutes, an hour, an evening, a weekend.
- Not having anyone here to talk to. To make decisions with. To share the highs and lows with.
- Not having anyone here to back me up. Deal with the meltdowns. Deal with the challenging behaviour.

[Unhelpful comment #3 : “couples find it hard too”]

[Unhelpful comment #4 : “at least you don’t need to ask anyone else”]

5 struggles unique to adoption :-

- My child has a past. That I wasn’t there for and had no control over. That involved loss and hurt and neglect and fear. That had an impact which I’m trying to understand.
- My child has another family. We don’t see them but they are out there somewhere. They are part of us. People I’ve never met, that I share bits of our life with by letter, whether I get a reply or not.
- My child is at risk. I have to be paranoid about photos / social media, in case someone comes looking. I’m always looking over my shoulder when we're out in case someone recognises my child.
- My child is vulnerable. Past experiences don’t disappear once the court papers are signed. The impact can be far-reaching. Behaviour can look like one thing but actually be something else.
- My child has questions. That I try to answer in a way they can understand. Even when I don’t know the answers. Or when the answers are difficult and painful. The questions will only get harder.

[Unhelpful comment #5 : “all 3yo do that”]

[Unhelpful comment #6 : “they've got you now, they won't remember”]

2)      I miss being involved.

I want to be involved. I’m used to being involved and it’s hard for me not to be able to serve within the church. I miss being part of a team. I still do what I can when I can but I can’t do as much as I’d like. I can’t commit to anything long-term or regular or sign up to a rota because life is too unpredictable and it adds too much pressure.

I’ll try and get to one-off events. If it’s an event for the whole family then great as we can both come. But then I have no-one else to watch my child, so it’s hard for me to chat sometimes as I’m often distracted by making sure they’re in sight and safe. If you see me on my own it doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk, so please come and talk to me, follow me if you need to! If it’s an event in the evening it’ll be much easier to talk and listen, as long as I can find a babysitter. Which isn’t easy when most of those I’d trust (and who my child trusts) are also part of this church and want to be at the same event.

And I really want to be part of a small group. I loved it when I got to hang out every week and chat and drink coffee and pray together. Sometimes it was at my house, sometimes it was someone else’s - it didn’t matter then, because getting out in the evening was easy! And my small group were a great support when I was going through the adoption process – taking an interest, encouraging, praying every step of the way.

You tried to include me in the group after the adoption, but it wasn’t easy. You came to my house once or twice, but there were a few challenges (bedtimes!) which made it difficult. So you stopped coming. Hopefully one day things will improve and we can try again. Because I miss being connected.

Not being part of a serving team, not being at events, not being part of a small group can sometimes make me feel I’m not part of the church family like I used to be.

[Unhelpful comment #7 : “at least you can get to things occasionally”]

[Unhelpful comment #8 : “being in a small group would really help you”]

3)      Sometimes I need help.

I manage pretty well – we’re fed, we’re clean and we have clean clothes, I get us both to where we need to be. I go to work, I take care of things at home and I’m parenting on my own. From the outside it could look like I have it all together. I do ok most of the time. I have no choice.

I won’t ask for help often. I can do most things, and if I can’t I’ll learn or I’ll find a way. But if people offer to help I will generally take it. I won’t turn down a meal, or ironing, or gardening, or DIY, or a babysitter! I will manage without these offers but I won’t turn them down.

It’s great that as a church we rally round with meals when a new baby arrives. One less thing for the new parent(s) to think about. Except I was a new parent too, to a toddler rather than a baby, but we still had to eat every night.

It’s great that we also offer to help out a parent when their husband/wife is away for a week or more and they suddenly have to manage their child(ren) on their own. I’m sure the offers of meals / childcare / practical help are much appreciated. Except I have to manage on my own all the time.

And sometimes I will ask for help. I’ll probably put out a general request rather than put pressure on someone by asking them directly. Asking for help is not easy for me. It usually means I’m desperate. Exhausted. Overwhelmed. So if I do ask please don’t leave it to someone else. Because I may not ask again.

[Unhelpful comment #9 : “I don’t know how you do it all by yourself”]

[Unhelpful comment #10 : “it’s easy, I’m sure you can work it out”]

You are my family. You are always telling me I’m not on my own.

But sometimes I feel on my own. Isolated. Invisible.

So what happens now?

I find it difficult to say what would help, because as I say I rarely ask for anything, I just get on with it!

But, in answer to what I’ve written above …

1)      It’s not the same … please don’t assume it is, in the same way I don’t assume I know what it’s like to be pregnant, give birth or breast feed! Please try to understand the ongoing challenges, both as a single parent and as an adoptive parent. Please ask. Please listen. Please read stuff.

2)      I miss being involved … please involve me! Please talk to me at church, even if I seem busy or distracted. Please invite us round, or to join your family outings sometimes. Please meet me for coffee or come round in an evening when I can’t go out. Please let me host stuff!

3)      Sometimes I need help … please offer to help even if I don’t ask! Please get to know my child so they trust you, then offer to babysit. Please ask if there’s anything practical I need help with at home.

For more tips on how to help adoptive families, there is a helpful booklet that has been produced by Care For The Family / Home For Good.

https://www.careforthefamily.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/CFF-Adoption-and-Fostering-Guide-for-Churches.pdf