The nativity - “no photos please, we’re adopted” (16/12/18)

“When you sneakily record your child's Christmas play it is likely that a child in that school or church who was at risk of abuse, has been removed from a dangerous and chaotic lifestyle, and has been placed into foster care or with adoptive parents, is present.

We then post a picture of our children, with the other child in the background. A friend shares it, the abusers see it and know the child's school or location.

This child then has to pack up their belongings, move to a new home, new school, new carers, new life leaving their previous carers at risk along with their own children - all because we needed to share it on Facebook, even though we were asked not to.

Follow safeguarding policy!! They don't tell you not to record because they are miserable; they tell you this to safeguard vulnerable children.”

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This (above) is just one of the posts I have seen doing the rounds again on social media this year. Shared by a mix of parents and teachers. Followed by a range of comments, both positive and negative.

This is the reality for adoptive parents. For foster carers. For families who have fled domestic abuse.

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I am an adoptive parent and I look forward to Starfish’s nativity as much as the next person. I organise the costume. I help her learn her lines. I have the songs on repeat in my head. I make sure I get to school early (for once), to get a decent view of the stage.

Then I sit there waiting for it to start, a mixture of thoughts and worries in my head. Will Starfish remember her lines? Will she have a wardrobe malfunction and trip over her costume? … Will the Head remember? Will the parents take notice?

I’m fortunate that Starfish’s school take this stuff seriously and go out of their way to safeguard and include in equal measure. I know that she is not the only child in school with a photo ban on social media and the school website. I only know this because I know these other families personally, not because it’s obvious who they are, so hopefully it’s not obvious about Starfish either. I’m sure there are others I don’t know about, which is as it should be.

The Head moves to the front of the stage. (She’s never forgotten before so I’m confident she won’t today.) She starts to speak … “can I remind you all please that you can take photos of your children at the end, but photos of other children should not to be shared on social media”, or words to that effect. She hasn’t finished the sentence before I can hear tuts from one side of me and “here we go” from the other. I feel like there is a massive flashing arrow hanging from the ceiling pointing at my head, singling me out with “it’s her fault”. I shouldn’t but I squirm a little in my seat.

The first song starts and the nativity is underway. A couple of rows in front of me I hear a loud-ish “whatever” and 2 parents get their phones out and start taking photos anyway. Hang on, the Head said at the end didn’t she? Nobody else is doing it … has anyone noticed? Is anyone going to stop them? I can’t interrupt now without drawing attention to myself (and therefore Starfish) … am I going to have to tell tales to the Head tomorrow?

I try not to focus on these 2 phones and focus on Starfish instead. Her costume stays (more or less) as it should. She remembers all her lines. Another proud mummy moment. Then at the end she is subtly squirrelled away while everyone swarms to the stage with their phones out.

I do mention it to the Head when I see her, and a message is sent out to all parents to remind them again that any photos taken at the nativity should not be shared on social media. I’m sure it’ll be fine.

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We do of course live in a world where many people live out every aspect of their life on social media. It’s so ‘normal’ it’s easy to miss that some families don’t or can’t.

We all like to take photos or film of our children’s star moments, to relive with pride again and again, and to embarrass them with when they’re older. Most schools and organisations will try and accommodate this, whether they prevent or allow parents to take their own – they may film / photograph the dress rehearsal, they may allow photos just at the end, or they may gently remind you how you should use them. But know that when an announcement is made, there’s a good reason for it. It’s not about teachers or church leaders being all “bah humbug” or OTT, it’s about keeping vulnerable children safe.

Please don’t question it, or assume it’s not necessary, because you don’t know the specific details behind it. Families shouldn’t have to be obvious about it, that’s the whole point. 

Please don’t question or comment to families you know it applies to : “How long do you have to do this for?” “They’ve changed so much I’m sure they wouldn’t be recognised now” etc. However well you know the situation, this isn’t your child. It isn’t your call to make.

Just be thankful if you haven’t had to live your life with this worry hanging over you.

Once a photo or video is shared online it can be copied or reposted and can be on the other side of the world in no time. Never mind the other side of the country or even the next town, where the people live who aren’t allowed to know where these children are. By sharing even one photo you are putting them at risk – at best you give away their location and they may be traced, at worst they may have to move house, school, even family for their own safety.

So please respect the requests of those in charge at these events. Please ask permission before you take photos or film of other people’s children. Please remember the golden rule : if they’re not your children, they’re not yours to share.

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So school nativity for Starfish is over for another year. Now we just have the church nativity to navigate. More pride and anxiety in equal amounts.

Our kids. (15/10/17)

This blog post has been inspired this week by my amazing daughter, as always, but also by 2 incredible adopters I’ve never actually met, who I admire so much - @2newgirls and @mumdrah (and her CHT!)

Our kids.

Traumatised.

Broken.

Lost.

Displaced.

Unsettled.

Neglected.

Abused.

Rejected.

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It’s hard being an adoptive parent.

Parenting therapeutically.

Overthinking constantly.

Filling in missing pieces and answering impossible questions.

Protecting hearts and managing fallout.

Trying to outwit trauma and stop it consuming everything and everyone.

Loving the most unlovable behaviours.

It’s so hard for our kids too.

Who have experienced / missed out on so much.

Who are trying to make sense of all their feelings and impulses.

When they’re too young to understand.

And then when they’re old enough that they sadly do.

Sometimes our kids throw everything they can at us.

Needing our help and belief and love but still pushing us away.

Doing all they can to get us to do what every other adult has done – reject or abandon them.

Sometimes our kids take us to breaking point and beyond.

Sometimes it isn’t safe or healthy for anyone, no matter how much we try.

Sometimes the support network of family and friends who ‘get it’ isn’t there.

Sometimes the professional support isn’t there.

Sometimes a family breaks down as a result.

Sometimes we hang on and hold fast, even when we may be losing hope that things can improve.

Then daring to believe if a glimmer of light appears.

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My daughter.

My daughter is easily unsettled or frightened.

My daughter tests people before she trusts them.

My daughter can be manic and chaotic when triggered, although it’s not always clear what the trigger is.

My daughter still can’t stay in her own bed through one night without needing to crawl into mine to check I’m still there.

In the last month my daughter has also …

… changed class and teacher at school.

Which needed her to trust new people and form new attachments – new teacher, new TA, new learning mentor. Fortunately they have been fab, she is feeling secure and she is thriving.

… celebrated a birthday.

Which prompted “will I still live here tomorrow?” when I (stupidly) said “no 6yos allowed in this house, haha!” She did not get my joke about not wanting her to grow up. She wondered if she was about to move again.

… chosen an adoption story book at bedtime.

(I will suggest one from time to time but she usually dismisses them.)

Which later that night prompted a prayer (overheard by me) thanking God for her family.

… seen her own baby pics for the first time.

(These came via Letterbox from her birth mum.)

Which she loved seeing but which brought smiles, tears, confusion and asking for milk in a bottle at bedtime.

I think my daughter is amazing.

I’m so proud of her for facing and overcoming things that most children wouldn’t ever have to think about.

I’m so proud of how she so far accepts the reality of her story (as she understands it) and I hope she will in time embrace who she is.

I’m so proud she’s mine and I get to help her discover her potential, what she’s truly capable of.

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Our kids.

Brave.

Resilient.

Strong.

Powerful.

Chosen.

Wanted.

Loved.

How we make holidays away work for us (12/8/17)

Like everything else when I became a parent 3 years ago, I received plenty of advice about holidays …

I’m a single parent, and so I have to manage everything all at the same time, whether at home or away – I have to prepare / pack / sort / set up everything involved in a holiday. I cannot leave my daughter (Starfish / SF) alone for a second or have much time to myself.

I’m also an adoptive parent, and as a result of SF’s trauma experiences her default setting is not one of security, it is one of anxiety. I therefore need to make decisions which will enable her to manage the change of being away from home, and help her feel safe and secure within this temporary environment.

August 2015 – 1 year in (SF aged 3) …

I knew neither of us were ready for a few days away – even an overnight at Grandma’s was proving to be more than challenging!

August 2016 – 2 years in (SF aged 4) …

I decided to brave our 1^st holiday together, and to keep it short and local, so 3 nights away about an hour from home.

When I was planning where to stay I wasn’t really sure what kind of holiday would suit SF so I guess I thought a lot about what would suit me! At first I felt like I was admitting defeat by not braving ‘proper’ camping like a lot of my friends … personally I’ve never been one for being squeezed under canvas in any weather, and although I’m happy enough sleeping in a tow caravan I felt that might be a challenge with just the 2 of us, particularly towing it and setting it up by myself. The appeal of a static caravan was that there would be no setting up and it would be self contained with a few home comforts!

So 1^st holiday = 3 nights in a static caravan. Overall verdict : mixed results.

August 2017 – 3 years in (SF aged 5) …

Time for our 2^nd holiday – this time would be 4 nights away about 90 minutes away from home. Although last year was mixed, I felt we could make a stay in a static caravan work. I’m writing this on the evening after we returned home, and in fact, as we prepared to leave yesterday SF and I agreed that we could easily have stayed longer! Overall verdict : a definite improvement on last year!

What I’m learning / how we’re making it work for us …

·         Packing

This year I involved SF in the packing where possible – she has her own trunki for her clothes (which I re-packed obviously to include clothes for all weathers!); a large bag of her own books & toys (mainly her choice with a bit of guidance); her talking book from intros which includes photos of family / cat / home; a selection of teddies; and as many familiar comfort items as we could fit into our little car – we didn’t need to take bedding but we still took her duvet & pillow straight off her bed, plus blankets & cushions from her bedroom & the lounge.

·         The static caravan

This gives us enough home comforts to make life easier for us both, plus SF still tells people she’s camping! Having done it last year, she was more relaxed even leading up to the holiday, as she knew more what to expect. Some dysregulation at times before and during was to be expected, but nothing like last year!

For her, it gives her a secure base which she knows keeps her safe and which she can call ‘home’ for the holiday – she can organise and reorganise her room as she likes and put her things around the other rooms too. There’s space for familiar toys, blankets, photos etc. Electricity means familiar television programmes at certain times of the day plus the ability to charge the iPad. Plus we have running water, a toilet and a shower! To her it’s as close to home as we can get without being at home.

And for me, I don’t need to leave her alone if I need the loo or want a shower. I don’t need to sit in the dark inside or cold outside when she’s in bed. I don’t need to worry about the weather or tiptoe around. I don’t get much of an evening (see Bedtimes below!) but for the couple of hours I do get I can put my feet up in the warm & dry, watch TV or whatever, and have a glass of wine! I can lock the door when I go to bed and know she won’t wander when she wakes in the night.

·         Contact with home

We have friends popping in to home regularly to feed our old cat and keep an eye on the house. SF and the cat have a strained relationship, but that doesn’t stop SF worrying about / asking about her from the moment we leave! So we send the cat a postcard and I ask friends to text us photos to show she is ok.

·         Holiday activities v ‘normal’ activities

Last year as time was so short I packed the few days we had full of activities – I remember how my own Dad used to plan our family holidays, and there wasn’t a lot of relaxing going on! However I realised too late that SF just wanted to be in the play park or swimming pool, plus she just needed downtime at our temporary ‘home’.

This year I was more prepared to balance the familiar / relaxed with the new / busy!

Day 1 = pack up the car, leave home (at whatever time we’re ready), drive down, find the nearest supermarket (and give SF a bit of a say in the food choices for the week!), and just settle in / make ourselves at ‘home’.

Day 2 = explore on foot (or scooter) – find out what’s within the caravan park itself and then how long it takes to walk to the shops / beach etc. Any interesting / ‘normal’ things nearby such as a park / pool / mini golf / fish & chip shop?

Then in the days after we can plan in a few specific things – I did my homework this year and made a list of ‘possible’ places to visit, knowing there was no way we would get to all of them but it gave us options. We look at the weather for the next day and then I suggest a few appropriate places / activities within walking / driving distance and let SF choose. I always say where I want to go, but I recognise that SF feels comfortable with ‘normal’ things she would do at home, such as the park, woods, swimming pool etc.

Beach day … beach hour more like! SF loves the idea of digging in the sand or splashing in the sea (sensory seeking), but the reality is she can’t then cope with feeling wet / cold / covered in sand straight after. So I now know that any beach time needs to be the last thing we do before returning to the caravan for a shower and food!

·         Routine

We still need our routine to be familiar even when we’re away. I try to keep certain times of the day as they would be at home, particularly mealtimes. Breakfast is relaxed and there is no rush to leave the caravan in the morning – no matter what we have planned, we go when we’re ready. I will always explain before we leave what the plan is for lunch – return to the caravan, a picnic we take with us or eating out. Teatime will be our hot meal as usual, back at the caravan, either I will cook or her favourite fish & chips. We can watch a bit of TV at any time we are in the caravan, although I do limit the iPad. As at home, a shower will usually be between tea and bedtime … unless we’ve got particularly wet / dirty and can’t wait that long!

·         Rules

Like routine, we still need rules when we’re on holiday, in fact more so in some ways as so much is different anyway and SF is already feeling insecure. So I still have certain expectations in terms of staying close / in sight, kind words / actions etc. She seems to constantly challenge me and test my boundaries while we are away, and I know this is out of insecurity and needing reassurance. Sometimes I wonder if I should relax the rules more, but when I do I quickly see how it can throw her off. At home when things get particularly manic we have “thinking time” or “calming time” together (our alternative to time out), and although it’s rarely needed these days within our normal routine, being away seems to produce the need for it on a daily basis – interestingly one of the first things she said when we arrived was “there aren’t any stairs so where will I do my thinking?” (I think her recognising this is a good thing …?!)

·         Bedtimes

These were the worst aspect of our holiday away last year, mainly because I didn’t have a strategy I think, and so the 3 nights were full of shouting, tantrums and tears, from both of us! Bedtimes are tough at home as it is – she doesn’t like the separation from me and struggles to settle, spending ages rearranging her cushions / teddies. So this time my plan was to stick to the same routine as at home, same expectations, same allowances in terms of settling time, same tried and tested words and phrases until sleep comes. Tiring her out / going for a walk after tea / letting her stay up later than normal just doesn’t work – she still needs the same amount of time to settle and sleep will not come easy no matter how tired she is! Sleep didn’t come much quicker (probably 60 minutes at home, about 90-120 in the caravan), but it has been mostly calmer for both of us than last year.

To be honest, I’m not sure we’ll ever crack bedtimes, wherever we are!

So, I guess how we do holidays may not be the cheapest or most exciting option, and it won’t be for everyone but for US it seems to be working. And with so many holiday parks around it gives us the flexibility to go somewhere different each year. It allows for downtime in the day (for her) and in the evening (for me). It allows for enough familiarity and ‘normality’ plus a bit of adventure and exploring.

Who knows, we may even manage a whole week next year?!

We Are Team Starfish! (7/7/17)

We. Are. TEAM STARFISH!!!

We are a mother daughter duo, fighting trauma and trying to outwit isolation.

We are a team, but I know we are not equals. I know I am the parent and she is the child, I have to give to her what I can’t always expect to get back. I’m fortunate that when the trauma shows itself it is rarely aimed at me – I know for others it can be so different.

This is the most important relationship for both of us. ‘Us’ has to come first.

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Rewind to May/June, which have been pretty shit to be honest, and I’ve been really struggling. (As in crying in bed most nights and sometimes at work in the day, struggling.) Friends moving away, the death of a friend after a long battle against illness, dealing with negative crap and pressure at work, among other things. Trying to connect with / hang out with people and wondering why I’m not getting much back. Trying to ask for support when I need it but getting unhelpful comments instead. Nothing deliberately hurtful, but it’s all been building up in my head. My LO has been getting the worst of me and I have been feeling resentful of her.

But she has also been struggling. Transitions to a new class / teacher at school. Staff leaving that she’s close to. Questions about when she was a baby. Letterbox to birth family. Fear of people dying / changing. Missing people she’s never even met. Trying to make sense of a lot of jigsaw pieces in her head. Holding it all in all day (- “she’s coping fine”) then it comes out on the way home or at bedtime through uncontrollable and inconsolable sobbing.

I could see the struggle in both of us, but I couldn’t seem to stop the downward spiral. My gloomy mood has not been helping her feel safe and secure and settled. She deserves so much more. She deserves the very best not the worst of me. She needs it. No matter what. She is so much more important than any of the other people or responsibilities in my life. She needs me to be constant and predictable. And I really haven’t been lately. She needs to know that she can rely on me. And that I’m not going anywhere.

Our support network is of course key. We have no family nearby and we rely on our friends. I don’t expect people to completely understand our life or experiences but it’s nice when they try. I feel hurt and frustrated when it feels like the support we need is distant or inconsistent. Our support network has changed in the last 3 years, some of the people we began this journey with are not the people walking with us now. It will probably continue to change and I have to learn to live with that. But I am the one who will always be there for her – I can’t and won’t change.

Social media has been a big one for us too, the best and worst of the support we do / don’t have at times. Recently I have become irritated by the contrast between ‘perfect’ lives on Facebook versus ‘real’ lives (warts and all) on Twitter. I’ve felt invisible at times, trying not to believe that people who don’t seem to have time for us clearly have time for everyone else. Trying not to take it personally when my texts aren’t replied to or we’re left out, again. So at my lowest time recently I decided I needed to delete most social media apps from my phone, just for a while, while I get my head together.

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Fast-forward to the first week in July and I’m beginning to feel better. In a more peaceful place of acceptance – this is our life, our reality and it’s up to us to make the best of it. And since I’ve focussed more on her and put ‘us’ back at the centre, she has seemed calmer and more relaxed too. Teamwork!

Summer holidays are looming now – I know this can bring it’s own challenges, but fortunately for us childcare isn’t one of them (– about the only thing keeping me in teaching right now!) So the summer is definitely an opportunity for quality time together, and I'm looking forward to it. Team building!!

So it’s TEAM STARFISH first from now on (with a bit of self-care thrown in where I can), even if it’s us against the world sometimes. If we need to step back / shut down for a bit for our own sanity and survival we will.

TEAM STARFISH isn’t perfect. It’s flawed. It doesn’t always win.

But together we are strong.

Together we can be superheroes!!

Dear church family … (16/4/17)

Dear church family …

First let me say, I love you all dearly. I know I'm loved and supported too. 
I know when I feel hurt it isn't meant. 

I believe in the vision of our church. We do so many great things together. People who visit us say they feel so welcome and love the family atmosphere. I’ve been part of this family a long time and we’ve supported each other through good and bad times.

But my life is different now. And there are things I need you to see. To know. To understand.

I’m a single parent. By choice, because I decided as a single person to adopt.

I’m the only adopter in our church. I’m the only single parent in our church. I know we’re all learning.

I won’t feel sorry for myself, or use my situation as an excuse - I won’t play the “I can’t because I’m on my own” card. Except sometimes I can’t. Because I’m on my own.

[Unhelpful comment #1 : “you chose to be a single parent”]

[Unhelpful comment #2 : “I told you doing it on your own would be hard”]

3 things I need you to know :-

1)      It’s not the same.

Parenting a child on your own is not the same as parenting as a couple.

Parenting a child by adoption is not the same as parenting a child you’ve given birth to.

I’m not saying either is more difficult, but they are different.

5 struggles I face as a single parent :-

- Having to think of everything. Remember everything. Plan everything. It’s exhausting.
- Having to do everything. Every meal. Every bit of shopping or washing. Every crappy job. Every day.
- Not getting a break. (Being at work doesn’t count!) A few minutes, an hour, an evening, a weekend.
- Not having anyone here to talk to. To make decisions with. To share the highs and lows with.
- Not having anyone here to back me up. Deal with the meltdowns. Deal with the challenging behaviour.

[Unhelpful comment #3 : “couples find it hard too”]

[Unhelpful comment #4 : “at least you don’t need to ask anyone else”]

5 struggles unique to adoption :-

- My child has a past. That I wasn’t there for and had no control over. That involved loss and hurt and neglect and fear. That had an impact which I’m trying to understand.
- My child has another family. We don’t see them but they are out there somewhere. They are part of us. People I’ve never met, that I share bits of our life with by letter, whether I get a reply or not.
- My child is at risk. I have to be paranoid about photos / social media, in case someone comes looking. I’m always looking over my shoulder when we're out in case someone recognises my child.
- My child is vulnerable. Past experiences don’t disappear once the court papers are signed. The impact can be far-reaching. Behaviour can look like one thing but actually be something else.
- My child has questions. That I try to answer in a way they can understand. Even when I don’t know the answers. Or when the answers are difficult and painful. The questions will only get harder.

[Unhelpful comment #5 : “all 3yo do that”]

[Unhelpful comment #6 : “they've got you now, they won't remember”]

2)      I miss being involved.

I want to be involved. I’m used to being involved and it’s hard for me not to be able to serve within the church. I miss being part of a team. I still do what I can when I can but I can’t do as much as I’d like. I can’t commit to anything long-term or regular or sign up to a rota because life is too unpredictable and it adds too much pressure.

I’ll try and get to one-off events. If it’s an event for the whole family then great as we can both come. But then I have no-one else to watch my child, so it’s hard for me to chat sometimes as I’m often distracted by making sure they’re in sight and safe. If you see me on my own it doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk, so please come and talk to me, follow me if you need to! If it’s an event in the evening it’ll be much easier to talk and listen, as long as I can find a babysitter. Which isn’t easy when most of those I’d trust (and who my child trusts) are also part of this church and want to be at the same event.

And I really want to be part of a small group. I loved it when I got to hang out every week and chat and drink coffee and pray together. Sometimes it was at my house, sometimes it was someone else’s - it didn’t matter then, because getting out in the evening was easy! And my small group were a great support when I was going through the adoption process – taking an interest, encouraging, praying every step of the way.

You tried to include me in the group after the adoption, but it wasn’t easy. You came to my house once or twice, but there were a few challenges (bedtimes!) which made it difficult. So you stopped coming. Hopefully one day things will improve and we can try again. Because I miss being connected.

Not being part of a serving team, not being at events, not being part of a small group can sometimes make me feel I’m not part of the church family like I used to be.

[Unhelpful comment #7 : “at least you can get to things occasionally”]

[Unhelpful comment #8 : “being in a small group would really help you”]

3)      Sometimes I need help.

I manage pretty well – we’re fed, we’re clean and we have clean clothes, I get us both to where we need to be. I go to work, I take care of things at home and I’m parenting on my own. From the outside it could look like I have it all together. I do ok most of the time. I have no choice.

I won’t ask for help often. I can do most things, and if I can’t I’ll learn or I’ll find a way. But if people offer to help I will generally take it. I won’t turn down a meal, or ironing, or gardening, or DIY, or a babysitter! I will manage without these offers but I won’t turn them down.

It’s great that as a church we rally round with meals when a new baby arrives. One less thing for the new parent(s) to think about. Except I was a new parent too, to a toddler rather than a baby, but we still had to eat every night.

It’s great that we also offer to help out a parent when their husband/wife is away for a week or more and they suddenly have to manage their child(ren) on their own. I’m sure the offers of meals / childcare / practical help are much appreciated. Except I have to manage on my own all the time.

And sometimes I will ask for help. I’ll probably put out a general request rather than put pressure on someone by asking them directly. Asking for help is not easy for me. It usually means I’m desperate. Exhausted. Overwhelmed. So if I do ask please don’t leave it to someone else. Because I may not ask again.

[Unhelpful comment #9 : “I don’t know how you do it all by yourself”]

[Unhelpful comment #10 : “it’s easy, I’m sure you can work it out”]

You are my family. You are always telling me I’m not on my own.

But sometimes I feel on my own. Isolated. Invisible.

So what happens now?

I find it difficult to say what would help, because as I say I rarely ask for anything, I just get on with it!

But, in answer to what I’ve written above …

1)      It’s not the same … please don’t assume it is, in the same way I don’t assume I know what it’s like to be pregnant, give birth or breast feed! Please try to understand the ongoing challenges, both as a single parent and as an adoptive parent. Please ask. Please listen. Please read stuff.

2)      I miss being involved … please involve me! Please talk to me at church, even if I seem busy or distracted. Please invite us round, or to join your family outings sometimes. Please meet me for coffee or come round in an evening when I can’t go out. Please let me host stuff!

3)      Sometimes I need help … please offer to help even if I don’t ask! Please get to know my child so they trust you, then offer to babysit. Please ask if there’s anything practical I need help with at home.

For more tips on how to help adoptive families, there is a helpful booklet that has been produced by Care For The Family / Home For Good.

https://www.careforthefamily.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/CFF-Adoption-and-Fostering-Guide-for-Churches.pdf