[I know I haven’t blogged for a while – I have
realised I’m not really a writer but I do find that writing these blog entries
can be quite therapeutic for me personally, just getting my thoughts in order,
and so they don’t always need posting publicly! When things are just
predictable and ‘normal’ I find I don’t have much to say/write, although I still
love to read other people’s. Mine often take shape in my head but only end up
on paper and public if I think someone else might relate. Comments welcome - apologies if it's a long one! :) ]
My LO is 5
and we have been a family for about 2 and a half years now – the longest she
has ever experienced in one home with one family. The reality is it is just the
2 of us, but we are a forever family.
I see
positive signs of how settled she is … most notably recently is her sleeping.
Bedtimes - Those
of you who have ‘known’ us for a while will know all about our bedtime battles
in the early days, not uncommon with children who have experienced some level
of trauma and find the separation / darkness upsets or unsettles something
within them. We’ve had our fair share of 2-4 hr bedtimes, refusing to stay in
her room or her bed, unable to get to sleep, often becoming more hyper no
matter how tired she may be. Nowadays it can still take an hour but the
difference is she is learning to just relax into sleep in her bed by herself –
she organises her toys & cushions, she talks to her toys, she sings to
herself, and I gradually reduce the lights until she’s asleep – I still get
called in for “one more cuddle” and have to stay on her level in the house, so I’m
usually in my own bedroom but no longer right outside her door … in fact on the
odd occasion I have even been able to return downstairs while she is still
awake!
Night-times
- Added to the early bedtime battles has been my little night-time visitor,
which started a few months in, as our bond grew. My then 3yo would wake in the
night to find the house mostly dark and silent and would toddle along the
landing to find me for a cuddle, lying on my tummy & curling up in the
foetal position. As a single person in a double bed it seemed less disruptive
to let her stay in my bed with me – she obviously needed to be close but boundaries
were still set – she could stay there as long as she was calm and quiet and let
Mummy sleep, and this was obviously preferable to her returning to her own bed.
Besides, me returning her to her own room would have taken longer and disturbed
my sleep more, so it worked for both of us at that time. Friends told me I was
creating bad habits, but I knew it was something she needed at that time to
feel safe – it wouldn’t be forever would it?! 2 years on and the routine has
been exactly the same, every night. Except now I have a taller 5yo climbing on
my tummy to curl up in the foetal position but as she no longer fits she soon
rolls off! However, there is definitely progress … we are getting the occasional
night where she is staying in her bed all night, maybe coming in to me about
6:30 / 7. Sometimes I have woken up in a panic as she hasn’t come in, or
worried that she doesn’t need my comforting cuddles any more, but mostly I tell
myself it is because she is settled and relaxed and sleeping better which has
to be a good thing for both of us.
So yes we
have been together 2 and a half years and in many ways she is settled – this is
the life she knows now and memories of her other earlier ‘lives’ appear rarely.
But what does ‘forever’ mean to a 5yo who has experienced loss and many moves
in her early life? I’m trying to teach her that this is ‘forever’ and constant
and consistent, but sadly things around us change more often than I’d like,
especially relationships.
Family - As
I’ve already said, our family is small. As a single adopter there is just the 2
of us living in our house. I have always been part of a small family – I am an
only child and my dad died a few years ago, so my LO has one grandma and no
aunts or uncles. We have more distant family around the country but only people
she has met once or twice. Grandma also isn’t local but we try to visit on a
monthly / half termly basis – it has its challenges as Grandma hasn’t spent a
lot of time with small children and finds the noise and energy quite
overwhelming, so our visits are usually short day trips. The first 2
Christmases she came to stay with us but this last one she wanted to stay at
home on her own, so we did the same.
Support
network - Our social workers through the process were obviously aware of the
size of my family, and so my wider support network were under greater scrutiny.
I am blessed with a number of significant close friends, people I know through
church or work, although thinking back to the ecomap I drew at the time I feel
the names would look a bit different now. It’s true that the people you spend
time with before you have children aren’t always the ones you see so often
after, either together as a family or as an adult. A number of people say “I’ll
come round one evening” (- being a single parent makes socialising in the
evenings that bit more difficult), or “we must have you both round” but in
reality I’m finding that their own family commitments or other priorities get
in the way.
All of this
is just life, I know that – people deal all the time with small families, being
a single parent, busy lives and balancing a number of priorities. Change is a part of life too.
But I do
wonder how my LO makes sense of it all. She may not remember much about her
early experiences but in the first 2 years of her life before me she had
multiple carers and homes, people coming and going all the time, and therefore
experienced more change and loss than most kids her age. Is it just normal to
her, that people / relationships are short-term and temporary, lasting
months, a year or 2 at the most?
The positives
are that LO attaches really well to people now, enjoys spending time with
Grandma (despite the distance) and those significant friends, and is developing
little friendships of her own. She is happy when we meet up with other people
we know well or go to houses which are familiar. She talks about them and
wanting to see them, especially her best friend who she has known since her
early days with me.
But I have
noticed that if we don’t see people for a time she stops talking about them
quite quickly. I’m not sure if she forgets them or just accepts that things
have changed and moves on. She regularly talks about the future – “when I’m 6 /
when I’m in year 1 or year 2 / when it’s Christmas again / when I’m a grown up”
– she can’t seem to just live in the now. And if she’s not happy with something
I’ve said or a boundary I’ve set she has started to say “I’ll go and live in
another house”. Would / do other 5yos say the same?
LO is my only
child so I have no other experiences of parenting. I don’t know if the way she
talks about now / the future / family and friends is ‘normal’ for a 5yo. I know
I over analyse as an adoptive parent, but my gut tells me all of this is a
reflection of her confused view of ‘forever’ and ‘permanence’, that yes she is
settled and able to build relationships now but that she is also waiting for / unsurprised
by / expecting something to change. All the time. It does hurt me sometimes when people
don't realise this and don’t recognise the possible impact of time spent (or not) with us. It probably doesn’t hurt her so much.
I worry
sometimes that I will be the only constant / permanent person in her life, and
wish I could change this for her, bring more people around her who will always
be there. I wonder if I will be enough. But I’m wary of new friendships in case
they don’t last. I can’t predict the questions she will have in the future and
what / who she will go looking for, but above all else I want her to know that
she has a safe secure base here that she can rely on forever. I wonder if she
will ever truly understand what ‘forever’ means.
