Like everything else when I became a parent 3 years ago, I received
plenty of advice about holidays …
I’m a single parent, and so I have to manage everything all at the same
time, whether at home or away – I have to prepare / pack / sort / set up
everything involved in a holiday. I cannot leave my daughter (Starfish / SF)
alone for a second or have much time to myself.
I’m also an adoptive parent, and as a result of SF’s trauma experiences her
default setting is not one of security, it is one of anxiety. I therefore need
to make decisions which will enable her to manage the change of being away from
home, and help her feel safe and secure within this temporary environment.
August 2015 – 1 year in (SF aged 3) …
I knew neither of us were ready for a few days away – even an overnight
at Grandma’s was proving to be more than challenging!
August 2016 – 2 years in (SF aged 4) …
I decided to brave our 1st holiday together, and to keep it
short and local, so 3 nights away about an hour from home.
When I was planning where to stay I wasn’t really sure what kind of
holiday would suit SF so I guess I thought a lot about what would suit me! At
first I felt like I was admitting defeat by not braving ‘proper’ camping like a
lot of my friends … personally I’ve never been one for being squeezed under
canvas in any weather, and although I’m happy enough sleeping in a tow caravan I
felt that might be a challenge with just the 2 of us, particularly towing it
and setting it up by myself. The appeal of a static caravan was that there
would be no setting up and it would be self contained with a few home comforts!
So 1st holiday = 3 nights in a static caravan. Overall
verdict : mixed results.
August 2017 – 3 years in (SF aged 5) …
Time for our 2nd holiday – this time would be 4 nights away about
90 minutes away from home. Although last year was mixed, I felt we could make a
stay in a static caravan work. I’m writing this on the evening after we
returned home, and in fact, as we prepared to leave yesterday SF and I agreed
that we could easily have stayed longer! Overall verdict : a definite
improvement on last year!
What I’m learning / how we’re making it work for us …
·
Packing
This year I involved SF in the packing where possible – she has her own
trunki for her clothes (which I re-packed obviously to include clothes for all
weathers!); a large bag of her own books & toys (mainly her choice with a
bit of guidance); her talking book from intros which includes photos of family
/ cat / home; a selection of teddies; and as many familiar comfort items as we
could fit into our little car – we didn’t need to take bedding but we still took
her duvet & pillow straight off her bed, plus blankets & cushions from her
bedroom & the lounge.
·
The static caravan
This gives us enough home comforts to make life easier for us both, plus
SF still tells people she’s camping! Having done it last year, she was more
relaxed even leading up to the holiday, as she knew more what to expect. Some
dysregulation at times before and during was to be expected, but nothing like
last year!
For her, it gives her a secure base which she knows keeps her safe and
which she can call ‘home’ for the holiday – she can organise and reorganise her
room as she likes and put her things around the other rooms too. There’s space
for familiar toys, blankets, photos etc. Electricity means familiar television
programmes at certain times of the day plus the ability to charge the iPad.
Plus we have running water, a toilet and a shower! To her it’s as close to home
as we can get without being at home.
And for me, I don’t need to leave her alone if I need the loo or want a
shower. I don’t need to sit in the dark inside or cold outside when she’s in
bed. I don’t need to worry about the weather or tiptoe around. I don’t get much
of an evening (see Bedtimes below!) but for the couple of hours I do get
I can put my feet up in the warm & dry, watch TV or whatever, and have a
glass of wine! I can lock the door when I go to bed and know she won’t wander when
she wakes in the night.
·
Contact with home
We have friends popping in to home regularly to feed our old cat and
keep an eye on the house. SF and the cat have a strained relationship, but that
doesn’t stop SF worrying about / asking about her from the moment we leave! So
we send the cat a postcard and I ask friends to text us photos to show she is
ok.
·
Holiday activities v ‘normal’ activities
Last year as time was so short I packed the few days we had full of
activities – I remember how my own Dad used to plan our family holidays, and
there wasn’t a lot of relaxing going on! However I realised too late that SF
just wanted to be in the play park or swimming pool, plus she just needed downtime
at our temporary ‘home’.
This year I was more prepared to balance the familiar
/ relaxed with the new / busy!
Day 1 = pack up the car, leave home (at whatever time we’re ready),
drive down, find the nearest supermarket (and give SF a bit of a say in the
food choices for the week!), and just settle in / make ourselves at ‘home’.
Day 2 = explore on foot (or scooter) – find out what’s within the
caravan park itself and then how long it takes to walk to the shops / beach etc.
Any interesting / ‘normal’ things nearby such as a park / pool / mini golf /
fish & chip shop?
Then in the days after we can plan in a few specific things – I did my
homework this year and made a list of ‘possible’ places to visit, knowing there
was no way we would get to all of them but it gave us options. We look at the
weather for the next day and then I suggest a few appropriate places /
activities within walking / driving distance and let SF choose. I always say
where I want to go, but I recognise that SF feels comfortable with ‘normal’
things she would do at home, such as the park, woods, swimming pool etc.
Beach day … beach hour more like! SF loves the idea of digging in the
sand or splashing in the sea (sensory seeking), but the reality is she can’t
then cope with feeling wet / cold / covered in sand straight after. So I now
know that any beach time needs to be the last thing we do before returning to
the caravan for a shower and food!
·
Routine
We still need our routine to be familiar even when we’re away. I try to
keep certain times of the day as they would be at home, particularly mealtimes.
Breakfast is relaxed and there is no rush to leave the caravan in the morning –
no matter what we have planned, we go when we’re ready. I will always explain
before we leave what the plan is for lunch – return to the caravan, a picnic we
take with us or eating out. Teatime will be our hot meal as usual, back at the caravan,
either I will cook or her favourite fish & chips. We can watch a bit of TV
at any time we are in the caravan, although I do limit the iPad. As at home, a shower
will usually be between tea and bedtime … unless we’ve got particularly wet /
dirty and can’t wait that long!
·
Rules
Like routine, we still need rules when we’re on holiday, in fact more so
in some ways as so much is different anyway and SF is already feeling insecure.
So I still have certain expectations in terms of staying close / in sight, kind
words / actions etc. She seems to constantly challenge me and test my
boundaries while we are away, and I know this is out of insecurity and needing
reassurance. Sometimes I wonder if I should relax the rules more, but when I do
I quickly see how it can throw her off. At home when things get particularly
manic we have “thinking time” or “calming time” together (our alternative to
time out), and although it’s rarely needed these days within our normal
routine, being away seems to produce the need for it on a daily basis –
interestingly one of the first things she said when we arrived was “there
aren’t any stairs so where will I do my thinking?” (I think her recognising
this is a good thing …?!)
·
Bedtimes
These were the worst aspect of our holiday away last year, mainly
because I didn’t have a strategy I think, and so the 3 nights were full of
shouting, tantrums and tears, from both of us! Bedtimes are tough at home as it
is – she doesn’t like the separation from me and struggles to settle, spending
ages rearranging her cushions / teddies. So this time my plan was to stick to
the same routine as at home, same expectations, same allowances in terms of
settling time, same tried and tested words and phrases until sleep comes. Tiring
her out / going for a walk after tea / letting her stay up later than normal
just doesn’t work – she still needs the same amount of time to settle and sleep
will not come easy no matter how tired she is! Sleep didn’t come much quicker
(probably 60 minutes at home, about 90-120 in the caravan), but it has been mostly
calmer for both of us than last year.
To be honest, I’m not sure we’ll ever crack bedtimes, wherever we are!
So, I guess how we do holidays may not be the cheapest or most exciting
option, and it won’t be for everyone but for US it seems to be working.
And with so many holiday parks around it gives us the flexibility to go somewhere
different each year. It allows for downtime in the day (for her) and in the
evening (for me). It allows for enough familiarity and ‘normality’ plus a bit
of adventure and exploring.
Who knows, we may even manage a whole week next year?!
