Juggling (4/2/16)

Sometimes I wonder if I’m juggling or struggling … I’m finding there often isn’t much to choose between the 2! It’s all been going round my head for a couple of weeks now, but in this hectic single-working-adoptive-parent life that I am still adjusting to, there just hasn’t been time to sit down and write it! Until now. Because I’ve been forced to take some time off work this week with the lurgy. Nothing serious, just a combination of school/preschool germs and burning the candle at both ends I suspect!

Things I can just about juggle …

Work, kind of. I’m a teacher, and having returned to my ‘old’ hours following my adoption leave I quickly realised this was just not manageable for us. The workload, the childcare, the being apart more days than we were together. So since September I’ve cut my hours to 3 days a week with less classroom time (so less planning and marking) and more time for admin – and there’s a lot in my role! I miss the contact with the children, but I’m a mummy now and my own child has to come first. This balance is working better for us. As with all teachers I know, there’s still work to do in the evenings, which can bring its own challenges, particularly with a child who often struggles with anxiety and separation at bedtime.

Childcare, kind of. I am fortunate that my daughter can attend preschool on the 3 days that I work, and I have friends who consistently do all the dropping off, picking up and before/after care on those 3 days too. I don’t know how I would manage without them and I try not to take them for granted! The hardest thing on the days I work is the guilt and clock-watching, as I work 30-45 mins away from home … I am now arriving at work much later (8:30) and leaving significantly earlier (4:00) than I used to, then often getting stuck in traffic, and then it’s straight into the tea/bath/bed routine so not exactly quality time.

Housework, kind of. We eat, we’re washed, we have clean clothes. We get out of the house 3 days a week with our coats, bags and lunches. The meals aren’t always as healthy as I’d like, the clothes aren’t often ironed and the floors rarely vacuumed … unless visitors are due when we make a special effort!

Things I struggle to juggle …

Paperwork. Unopened non-urgent (I hope!) post. Teaching stuff which I daren’t throw away, just in case. My home is drowning in the stuff. My bedroom appears to be shrinking. I have box files and ring files and even a filing cabinet – plenty of storage solutions to keep the place clutter-free but very little time to actually deal with / file any of it. I will get to it one day. It’s just the way it is.

DIY. Small jobs. Larger jobs. All can seem to push me over the edge when as a singly I have to find time for those too. Padlocks that won’t open. Lights that don’t work. New shelves to put up. A hole in the wall where the stairgate was. An oven timer that is on the blink, literally. I am good at making a list of these jobs and will get to each of them when I can. I know that I need to “just phone Ikea” (oven) etc, but sometimes even finding the number and making the phone call can be a big deal that I don’t have time for. Sometimes these jobs overwhelm me, sometimes they don’t. It’s just the way it is.

Managing the juggling …

Self-care … I’ve thought about it a lot and have decided the best way to bring balance and overcome the feeling of struggling is by looking after myself! Regardless of how my LL’s bedtime goes, it doesn’t help anyone if I stay up late doing “stuff”, so I just need to get to bed earlier … this is not going brilliantly so far but I am trying! I’m also trying to be structured with my evenings, restricting my work evenings to 4 out of 7, and allowing for exceptions when people offer to come round for a cuppa and a chat. And I’ve agonised over this but I’ve decided to put my girlie into preschool on a non-work day! Not often, just once a month or so … I may spend this working at home, doing admin, filing, housework, DIY or I may just watch daytime telly, but it will be time at home, in the day, for me to get some general headspace.

Acceptance … I’m slowly learning to just accept that this is how it is, for now - for a control freak like me that’s not easy! The juggling, as with any parent, will no doubt continue and I’m sure there will be fresh ‘balls’ to add in to the mix. My daughter starts in Reception in September, and so I know the time is coming when I will have more time for me … but then I also know I will wish I’d made more of our days together. So for now I’m trying to accept the clutter, the dirt, the guilt, and appreciate HER.

So for now I am trying to manage the ‘juggling’ and reduce the ‘struggling’ … after all, it won’t be for ever, will it?!