Repairing (5/2/16)

The last 2 weeks have been interesting … Ofsted, a chest infection and finally seeing a silver lining!

I still blame Ofsted for starting the downhill spiral. (I blame Ofsted for lots of things!)

Monday … school got ‘the call’ on Monday morning. I don’t work Mondays so I was out with my girlie when ‘the call’ got as far as me. And then I turned into Ofsted Mummy. Ofsted Mummy is short-tempered, distracted and not very nice to be around. Starfish hasn’t seen Ofsted Mummy before. I tried to find emergency childcare for the afternoon, and when I couldn’t I tried to work at home instead. Starfish was surprisingly cooperative … until her bedtime. Unsurprisingly this was longer and more hysterical than usual. When sleep finally came I tried to make the most of the next 2 hours, not feeling at all ready for the following day. I went to bed unable to sleep. My night-time visitor appeared as she does every night when I’m asleep, but for the first time she was quite hostile physically and verbally when I tried to cuddle her. This was new and I worried how much damage had been done.

Tuesday … I dropped my daughter off as usual and got into school as early as I could but not much earlier. Fortunately I wasn’t teaching but I knew as SENCo I would be having a meeting with the inspector and I wanted to be ready. I’ve only been back from Adoption Leave since last Easter, having missed the introduction of a new curriculum and new SEN framework … only 10 months off but still getting my head back in the game. Naturally all the paperwork I’d prepared in those few hours the day before wasn’t called upon, although I hope it helped me focus if nothing else. Nobody cried and we were happy with the result.

I picked up my daughter from my childminder friend about the usual time. Apparently she’d had a bad day at preschool – not listening, not following instructions, not being kind. She’s no angel but this was still not like her. I blamed Ofsted Mummy but she was gone now, we’d be back to normal tomorrow.

Wednesday … work as usual for Mummy, another bad day at preschool for my girl. I knew I had some serious reassuring and repairing to do. And now we were really tired and not feeling well either.

Thursday … it was touch and go if either of us felt well enough to go in, but after 2 bad days I wanted her week at preschool to end on a positive. An extra hour in bed meant that she would be slightly more rested and I could drop her off myself, but then I would be late in to work – not ideal, particularly as I would be leaving early to do pick up at the end of the day too. (Fortunately nobody made a fuss – I think I more than make up my hours at home and I know other colleagues have to deal with childcare / child illness issues too.) Her day had been only slightly better than the 2 before but we tried to see it as a positive nonetheless.

We were both exhausted by now, and I in particular was struggling with a hacking cough that I’d already had for 3 weeks and which had been keeping me awake most nights too. Thankfully we were at the end of our working week with no school/preschool on Friday. So a quiet weekend was needed, and the repairing properly began. I decided the priority was to ignore the school work and housework and focus on JUST US. We stayed at home all day Friday and Sunday (- Saturday we had a birthday party to go to) and spent the time playing together, watching DVDs, cuddling up, tickling, brushing each other’s hair – anything to reconnect and repair. I made every effort to be at my calm therapeutic best, even at bedtime, to reassure her that she was in a calm, happy and safe place (- she’d been safe all along of course, but I think history had told her she wasn’t and sent her body and brain into fight/flight/freeze.)

Monday came again, fortunately another non-work day, and it was clear that we were both unwell, me more than ever. I phoned in sick Tuesday and kept Starfish home too … lots more cuddle time on the sofa and a mother/daughter relationship slowly returning to normal.

I still didn’t feel well enough to go back to work Wednesday so made an appointment to see the doctor and dropped her in to preschool on the way. The doctor confirmed a chest infection and prescribed antibiotics. So there would be no work for me Thursday either.

And then I began to see the silver lining!

By not being well enough to go to work all week I got to do the (pre)school run on 2 days, plus I had a few hours to rest at home on my own in between. Other than the day last week I rarely get to drop her off at preschool, so I don’t see how excited she is to see the adults and her friends, or how independent she is becoming as she finds her peg and sorts out her stuff when we arrive. Despite feeling so dreadful it made me happy that I wasn’t missing all this as I usually would!

I enjoyed a few hours to myself at home – I didn’t sleep but I mainly sat on the sofa watching daytime telly. (I did log in to my work emails too.) Then I found myself getting excited that I was going to pick her up! I’d warned her it would be me (- so she wasn’t thrown by the change) but think she’d forgotten and she was so excited when she saw me waiting. I hesitantly approached the staff to be told she’d had a brilliant day and was like a different child from last week! We celebrated by choosing new stickers, and then had another couple of hours chilling together at home before the usual tea/bath/bedtime routine.

And on Thursday I got to do the same again! Dropping off at preschool, resting at home for a few hours, and picking up from preschool – and another good day for her too apparently!

I’m still feeling pretty lousy and hoping the antibiotics will kick in soon and give me a proper night’s sleep! But I’m so thankful for the opportunity not just to rest this week but to see parts of the day that I don’t normally see. To be there at preschool so she could show me things and I could show her I valued and cared about where she was all day.  To spend extra quality time with my beautiful girl.

To put into perspective what’s really important. To make sure our precious relationship is repaired.

Juggling (4/2/16)

Sometimes I wonder if I’m juggling or struggling … I’m finding there often isn’t much to choose between the 2! It’s all been going round my head for a couple of weeks now, but in this hectic single-working-adoptive-parent life that I am still adjusting to, there just hasn’t been time to sit down and write it! Until now. Because I’ve been forced to take some time off work this week with the lurgy. Nothing serious, just a combination of school/preschool germs and burning the candle at both ends I suspect!

Things I can just about juggle …

Work, kind of. I’m a teacher, and having returned to my ‘old’ hours following my adoption leave I quickly realised this was just not manageable for us. The workload, the childcare, the being apart more days than we were together. So since September I’ve cut my hours to 3 days a week with less classroom time (so less planning and marking) and more time for admin – and there’s a lot in my role! I miss the contact with the children, but I’m a mummy now and my own child has to come first. This balance is working better for us. As with all teachers I know, there’s still work to do in the evenings, which can bring its own challenges, particularly with a child who often struggles with anxiety and separation at bedtime.

Childcare, kind of. I am fortunate that my daughter can attend preschool on the 3 days that I work, and I have friends who consistently do all the dropping off, picking up and before/after care on those 3 days too. I don’t know how I would manage without them and I try not to take them for granted! The hardest thing on the days I work is the guilt and clock-watching, as I work 30-45 mins away from home … I am now arriving at work much later (8:30) and leaving significantly earlier (4:00) than I used to, then often getting stuck in traffic, and then it’s straight into the tea/bath/bed routine so not exactly quality time.

Housework, kind of. We eat, we’re washed, we have clean clothes. We get out of the house 3 days a week with our coats, bags and lunches. The meals aren’t always as healthy as I’d like, the clothes aren’t often ironed and the floors rarely vacuumed … unless visitors are due when we make a special effort!

Things I struggle to juggle …

Paperwork. Unopened non-urgent (I hope!) post. Teaching stuff which I daren’t throw away, just in case. My home is drowning in the stuff. My bedroom appears to be shrinking. I have box files and ring files and even a filing cabinet – plenty of storage solutions to keep the place clutter-free but very little time to actually deal with / file any of it. I will get to it one day. It’s just the way it is.

DIY. Small jobs. Larger jobs. All can seem to push me over the edge when as a singly I have to find time for those too. Padlocks that won’t open. Lights that don’t work. New shelves to put up. A hole in the wall where the stairgate was. An oven timer that is on the blink, literally. I am good at making a list of these jobs and will get to each of them when I can. I know that I need to “just phone Ikea” (oven) etc, but sometimes even finding the number and making the phone call can be a big deal that I don’t have time for. Sometimes these jobs overwhelm me, sometimes they don’t. It’s just the way it is.

Managing the juggling …

Self-care … I’ve thought about it a lot and have decided the best way to bring balance and overcome the feeling of struggling is by looking after myself! Regardless of how my LL’s bedtime goes, it doesn’t help anyone if I stay up late doing “stuff”, so I just need to get to bed earlier … this is not going brilliantly so far but I am trying! I’m also trying to be structured with my evenings, restricting my work evenings to 4 out of 7, and allowing for exceptions when people offer to come round for a cuppa and a chat. And I’ve agonised over this but I’ve decided to put my girlie into preschool on a non-work day! Not often, just once a month or so … I may spend this working at home, doing admin, filing, housework, DIY or I may just watch daytime telly, but it will be time at home, in the day, for me to get some general headspace.

Acceptance … I’m slowly learning to just accept that this is how it is, for now - for a control freak like me that’s not easy! The juggling, as with any parent, will no doubt continue and I’m sure there will be fresh ‘balls’ to add in to the mix. My daughter starts in Reception in September, and so I know the time is coming when I will have more time for me … but then I also know I will wish I’d made more of our days together. So for now I’m trying to accept the clutter, the dirt, the guilt, and appreciate HER.

So for now I am trying to manage the ‘juggling’ and reduce the ‘struggling’ … after all, it won’t be for ever, will it?!