Dear church family …
First let me say, I love you all
dearly. I know I'm loved and supported too.
I know when I feel hurt it isn't meant.
I know when I feel hurt it isn't meant.
I believe in the vision of our church. We do so many great things
together. People who visit us say they feel so welcome and love the family
atmosphere. I’ve been part of this family a long time and we’ve
supported each other through good and bad times.
But my life is different now. And there are things I need you to see. To know. To understand.
I’m a single parent. By choice, because I decided
as a single person to adopt.
I’m the only adopter in our church. I’m the only
single parent in our church. I know we’re all learning.
I won’t feel sorry for myself, or use my situation
as an excuse - I won’t play the “I can’t because I’m on my own” card. Except
sometimes I can’t. Because I’m on my own.
[Unhelpful
comment #1 : “you chose to be a single parent”]
[Unhelpful
comment #2 : “I told you doing it on your own would be hard”]
3 things I need you to know :-
1)
It’s not the same.
Parenting a child on your own is not the same as
parenting as a couple.
Parenting a child by adoption is not the same as parenting
a child you’ve given birth to.
I’m not saying either is more difficult, but they
are different.
- Having to do everything. Every meal. Every bit of shopping or washing. Every crappy job. Every day.
- Not getting a break. (Being at work doesn’t count!) A few minutes, an hour, an evening, a weekend.
- Not having anyone here to talk to. To make decisions with. To share the highs and lows with.
- Not having anyone here to back me up. Deal with the meltdowns. Deal with the challenging behaviour.
[Unhelpful
comment #3 : “couples find it hard too”]
[Unhelpful
comment #4 : “at least you don’t need to ask anyone else”]
5 struggles unique to adoption :-
- My child has a past. That I wasn’t there for and had no control over.
That involved loss and hurt and neglect and fear. That had an impact which I’m
trying to understand.- My child has another family. We don’t see them but they are out there somewhere. They are part of us. People I’ve never met, that I share bits of our life with by letter, whether I get a reply or not.
- My child is at risk. I have to be paranoid about photos / social media, in case someone comes looking. I’m always looking over my shoulder when we're out in case someone recognises my child.
- My child is vulnerable. Past experiences don’t disappear once the court papers are signed. The impact can be far-reaching. Behaviour can look like one thing but actually be something else.
- My child has questions. That I try to answer in a way they can understand. Even when I don’t know the answers. Or when the answers are difficult and painful. The questions will only get harder.
[Unhelpful
comment #5 : “all 3yo do that”]
[Unhelpful
comment #6 : “they've got you now, they won't remember”]
2)
I miss being involved.
I want to be involved. I’m used to being involved
and it’s hard for me not to be able to serve within the church. I miss being part of a team. I still do what
I can when I can but I can’t do as much as I’d like. I can’t commit to anything
long-term or regular or sign up to a rota because life is too unpredictable and
it adds too much pressure.
I’ll try and get to one-off events. If it’s an
event for the whole family then great as we can both come. But then I have
no-one else to watch my child, so it’s hard for me to chat sometimes as I’m
often distracted by making sure they’re in sight and safe. If you see me on my
own it doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk, so please come and talk to me, follow
me if you need to! If it’s an event in the evening it’ll be much easier to talk
and listen, as long as I can find a babysitter. Which isn’t easy when most of
those I’d trust (and who my child trusts) are also part of this church and want to be at the same event.
And I really want to be part of a small group. I
loved it when I got to hang out every week and chat and drink coffee and pray
together. Sometimes it was at my house, sometimes it was someone else’s - it
didn’t matter then, because getting out in the evening was easy! And my small
group were a great support when I was going through the adoption process –
taking an interest, encouraging, praying every step of the way.
You tried to include me in the group after the
adoption, but it wasn’t easy. You came to my house once or twice, but there
were a few challenges (bedtimes!) which made it difficult. So you stopped coming. Hopefully one day things will improve and we can try again. Because I miss being connected.
Not being part of a serving team, not being at events, not being
part of a small group can sometimes make me feel I’m not part of the church family
like I used to be.
[Unhelpful
comment #7 : “at least you can get to things occasionally”]
[Unhelpful
comment #8 : “being in a small group would really help you”]
3)
Sometimes I need help.
I manage pretty well – we’re fed, we’re clean and
we have clean clothes, I get us both to where we need to be. I go to work, I
take care of things at home and I’m parenting on my own. From the outside it
could look like I have it all together. I do ok most of the time. I have no
choice.
I won’t ask for help often. I can do most things,
and if I can’t I’ll learn or I’ll find a way. But if people offer to help I
will generally take it. I won’t turn down a meal, or ironing, or gardening, or
DIY, or a babysitter! I will manage without these offers but I won’t turn them
down.
It’s great that as a church we rally round with
meals when a new baby arrives. One less thing for the new parent(s) to think
about. Except I was a new parent too, to a toddler rather than a baby, but we
still had to eat every night.
It’s great that we also offer to help out a parent
when their husband/wife is away for a week or more and they suddenly have to
manage their child(ren) on their own. I’m sure the offers of meals / childcare
/ practical help are much appreciated. Except I have to manage on my own all
the time.
And sometimes I will ask for help. I’ll probably
put out a general request rather than put pressure on someone by asking them directly. Asking
for help is not easy for me. It usually means I’m desperate. Exhausted.
Overwhelmed. So if I do ask please don’t leave it to someone else. Because I may not ask again.
[Unhelpful
comment #9 : “I don’t know how you do it all by yourself”]
[Unhelpful
comment #10 : “it’s easy, I’m sure you can work it out”]
You are my family. You are always telling me I’m
not on my own.
But sometimes I feel on my own. Isolated. Invisible.
So
what happens now?
I find it difficult to say what would help, because
as I say I rarely ask for anything, I just get on with it!
But, in answer to what I’ve written above …
1)
It’s not the same … please don’t assume it is, in the same way I don’t
assume I know what it’s like to be pregnant, give birth or breast feed! Please
try to understand the ongoing challenges, both as a single parent and as an
adoptive parent. Please ask. Please listen. Please read stuff.
2)
I miss being involved … please involve me! Please talk to me at church,
even if I seem busy or distracted. Please invite us round, or to join your
family outings sometimes. Please meet me for coffee or come round in an evening
when I can’t go out. Please let me host stuff!
3)
Sometimes I need help … please offer to help even if I don’t ask! Please get
to know my child so they trust you, then offer to babysit. Please ask if there’s
anything practical I need help with at home.
For more tips on how to help adoptive families,
there is a helpful booklet that has been produced by Care For The Family / Home
For Good.
