Blogging sounds like a good idea. I think a lot. I talk a
lot. Some of my friends are doing it. Because obviously as a single working parent I have nothing else to occupy my
time! It has been on my mind to do this ever since I started my adoption journey about 3
years ago. Since then I’ve joined Twitter and have found an enormous amount of
support from other adopters, as well as some fantastic blogs. Who needs another
parenting blog? Or adoption blog? Not sure how much I have to say that would be
of interest to anyone else. But hey, why not give it a go?
Although this first one will probably be a bit of a ramble. And
there may be some words / phrases which aren’t quite as they should be in the
world of adoption. But please excuse me, I’m new to this. Parenting and
blogging! So I'm taking the advice of 2 people I follow on Twitter ... "Write for yourself, make yourself happy" and "Can be a way of getting stuff out of your head". I figure if it's too much of a ramble, nobody has to read it!
I will be careful to respect and protect my girl’s privacy
in what I share so please excuse the lack of detail – her story is hers to tell
and of course some of her story I wasn’t there for and will never fully know. Also
I want to protect our anonymity as a family by not giving away too much
identifiable info.
What I will share is that my Starfish is 4 years old, but not
yet at school. We have been a family for over a year now. I know her a
lot better than I did when she first arrived, us now having celebrated a 2nd
birthday and a 2nd Christmas together. [Christmas –
that may be a whole other blog for another time – but after this last week I’m
wondering a lot about that too!]
I have taught 4yo children before but never parented one – I
have no birth children to compare her to, or myself and how I’m doing this. This
is all new to me and I have to remind myself I’m still a relatively new
parent! She may be 4 years old, but my approaches to managing behaviour, bedtimes
etc. are still in their infancy as far as she’s concerned, and will likely be
in great conflict with birth family ways and different from her time in care. But we have forever to work it out I guess ...
So here I am on NYE 2015, reflecting on the year gone, the
year to come, and again wondering …
- I wonder … if all 4 yo really do what Starfish does? Or is ‘it’ a struggle faced by adopted children in particular?
My friends will tell me, yes all 4yo do ‘this’, and most of
the time they’re right I’m sure. I just wonder if sometimes the reasons behind the behaviours / reactions may be
different. I’m not one for looking for things that aren’t there, but then I also
don’t want to miss things that are, as a direct result of life ‘before’.
My contact with other adopters would also say, yes all
adoptees struggle with ‘that’, and more besides. Anxiety, attachment, bedtimes,
change, food, noises (loud or sudden), separation, strange people or places … I
forever analyse all of these and more, trying to work out where the struggle
comes from and how to not only manage it, but somehow undo any damage from
‘before’. [Trauma and brain development – maybe another blog for another time.]
Whether she does ‘it’ because all 4yo do or because many
adoptees do, she needs me to understand her and where her struggles come from,
and to help her heal in some respects. She doesn’t have the benefit of safe
consistent parenting from birth til now, so not only am I learning how to be a
parent and teach / guide her as all parents do, I’m also working out what may
have gone wrong and how to help put it right.
- I wonder … if I have what it takes to parent this little one? To do it on my own as a single parent? To be a therapeutic parent (a term which many adopters will be all too familiar with)?
I wonder about myself a lot, usually not seeing myself in
the most positive or capable light! I wonder if all parents analyse themselves
/ their children as much as I do? Do all single parents? Do all adoptive parents? Do we all feel like I do sometimes or face the
same parenting challenges. (Not feeling brave enough to share my innermost
feelings just yet tho!) I know from Twitter that there are many adoptive parents
facing much greater challenges than me … then I wonder why I struggle so much
with my own when I could be facing so much worse!
I’ve learnt a lot about myself in this short time as a parent,
particularly when it’s all gone horribly wrong! But it’s on me to work this
out, as I’m who she has now. I’m the adult example she sees every day so I need
to find a way to model the behaviour I want her to learn. I need to find my own
calm amidst the chaos if she is to find hers. It’s a huge responsibility … I
just need to not see it as a pressure that I can't handle.
- I wonder … what does the future hold? For her? For us?
This week? This year? Through Primary School? The teenage
years? Beyond?
So I’m writing this as I watch Big Ben chime midnight, and
2016 begins. (Although when I suss out how / where to actually post this it may
be some way into January!)
Let’s just focus on the year ahead. Starfish will be leaving preschool and
starting school, which is at the forefront of my mind! How will we manage such a big
change for her? How will I continue to manage the day-to-day challenges she
throws at me? (Will we ever truly crack bedtimes?!?!)
But also how will our relationship develop? What will I learn about her? About myself? What will she learn about herself, and her story, and how will she react?
But also how will our relationship develop? What will I learn about her? About myself? What will she learn about herself, and her story, and how will she react?
The one thing I am sure of is that the ‘wondering’ will
continue – there will always be the ‘normal’ challenges of being a parent to
handle, and there will always be the additional unanswered questions about ‘before’
and her growing awareness of her life story. And I am clearly a born 'wonder'er!
If you’ve got this far, thank you for reading!
I wonder what you thought …?!
I wonder if I’ll do this again …?!?!
